Challengers

Synopsis: A love/lust triangle among tennis players.

Challengers is the Zendaya Tennis Movie. The “plot” of Challengers is basically how much verbal abuse two guys will put up with to have sex with Zendaya’s character, Tashi. The two guys who pant after her are Art (Mike Faist, Riff in West Side Story) and Patrick (Josh O’Connor, Prince Charles in The Crown).

The move opens with Zendaya coaching husband Riff at some important tournament; a win will get him a place in the U.S. Open. Prince Charles is also competing. He’s broke, so when not practicing, he’s trying to charm middle aged women into sharing their breakfast sandwiches or giving him a room for the night. Quite a comedown from his circumstances in The Crown.

The movie is lonnng, partially due to slomo shots of Zendaya swaggering around in Chanel and protracted tight shots of the guys sweating like they are going to drop on the court at any second. It’s also long because of numerous flashbacks.

We quickly fallback thirteen years to when the three main characters met as teens while playing a tournament. Mike Faist’s Riff looks fairly believable as a teen or thirty-year-old. He must use some Space Age sunscreen because his pasty skin has been unsullied by the sun in spite of the fact that his job has him outside all day.

In contrast, Josh O’Connor doesn’t look a day under thirty. Deeply carved  crow’s feet aren’t something common in teens. Maybe it’s all the ciggies his character smokes that have prematurely aged his skin. When the two, who seem to be attached at the hip, tell Zendaya that they are roomies, it’s like: Is the full-grown man a chaperone? In fact, his character is the more worldly of the two. He boasts of teaching his roomie and doubles partner how to masturbate. This sounds like shaky ground for a friendship. Anyway…

The two teen boys are excited to win the doubles championship, but are even more excited to meet Zendaya, a very hot tennis phenom. I could see clearly that this wasn’t  present-day because Z has a wavy bob as a thirty-year-old. Teen Z  has long locks that she pulls back into an Ariana Grande-esque ponytail.

Zendaya’s character, Tashi Duncan is known as the Duncanator. (Eeesh, her team should’ve done better with a moniker.) Of course, she wins the women’s title. Later, at an official afterparty, Prince Charles and Riff encourage–well, beg– her to visit them at their hotel room after the party.

Zendaya’s character shows up at the two dudes’ room. Because this is a movie and not real life, she is protected from unwanted sexual aggression because guys are so in awe of what a badass this beautiful girl is. In fact, they are putty in her hands. In one horny scene, she kisses both guys and then instructs them to make out with each other. Before long, she bounces off the bed and announces that she’ll give her number to whichever guy beats the other the next day. Back to present day– specifically the night before the tennis match…

Zendaya is super competitive and tells her husband that he better win the next day, or she might leave him. Riff freezes. Z keeps telling him that he’s not confident enough to be great on the court. This got me thinking that her coaching style of insulting him might not be the way to go.

Meanwhile, Prince Charles busies himself on dating apps, looking for someone to spend the night with. After all, he doesn’t want to sleep in his car again. I don’t know how he became indigent, but it sure isn’t from splashing out on clothes; he plays matches in ratty sleeveless shirts and plaid boxer shorts.

Zendaya runs into Prince Charles at the hotel bar where he’s on a date. He excuses himself to follow her to the elevator. She tells him to f*** off. I think there is supposed to be some sexual energy between them, but she just seems angry.

Oh, and remember when Prince Charles and Riff made out thirteen years ago? They still seem like they might want each other or at least want to compete for Zendaya’s attentions. The dudes come across each other at the sauna. Prince Charles is flouncing around butt naked, grinning and telling Riff he will beat him. Riff asks Prince Charles to get his dick away from his face and stop being jealous that he won Zendaya. Or did he?

Another flashback. This time it’s ten years ago when Riff and Zendaya are both playing tennis at college. She’s interested in Prince Charles who is playing the pro circuit. In what will become a familiar pattern, she yells at and berates both men.

Z is on top of the world until she busts her knee during a match. We see her crying later as she looks at the scar on her knee. Now she’s really acting, like, My knee! My beautiful Knee! Maybe now, she’ll be a bit humbled. No chance…

As the script veers to flashbacks title cards like ‘Six Months and Five Days Ago’ or ‘Eighteen Minutes Ago,’ we see steamy sex scenes with Z and her man-of-the-moment. Weirdly, the couples often have sex in a parking lot. Well, they are in the vehicles, so they have some privacy. One time, she & one of the men have sex in an Applebee’s parking lot. If you think that doesn’t sound too appetizing, you’ll feel sick when I inform you that they actually ate at Applebee’s too.

Another time, she and one of the guys drive round and round city streets during a windstorm. They are arguing so fiercely that they need to stop at a parking lot to get out of the car and argue ever more fiercely. Meanwhile the windstorm is whipping around what looks like a ton of blank newspaper sheets. I think this is meant to create a wild romantic atmosphere. Before you know it, they are back in the car and having sex. Through all of this, it seems that she can only love tennis. 

So, will you care who wins the tennis match? Well, I guess you should because the director keeps dramatically throwing up titles like “Match Point” and “Deuce.” I wished I knew more about tennis because I couldn’t tell when the game was about to end or not. In the stands, Zendaya seems sad, staring into space. Or maybe she’s just contemplating her next look for the Met Ball.

This is what it comes down to: verbally abusive hottie insults two rodent men who want her. All three like tennis.

Movie Loon’s Shortcut Movie Review:

Grade:   C

Cut to the Chase:  A sexy trainwreck.

Humor Highlight:   So, the music soundtrack is EDM. Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross’ thirty second composition plays on a loop. Except during a sex scene that goes from erotic to comic when a children’s choir is singing.