Beauty and the Beast
Synopsis: A rude prince is cursed to live as a cool looking beast. He imprisons a young woman in his castle because her father took a rose from his garden.
How good it feels to be holidaying far away from Hogwarts. Papa and I are in France while mother runs the dental practice back home. I wish that we were in Paris, but he arranged lodgings in a poor provincial town. The people dress like it’s a hundred years ago and seem to suffer from a lack of education. They can’t pronounce “Hermione” so I gave up & told them to call me “Belle.” Also the local “library” sucks. Yesterday while Papa dallied with his “inventions,” I was off to the town square to
teach a young girl to read. Instead of gratitude, the townspeople pilloried me for my efforts. I’m surprised that they didn’t accuse me of being a witch. Which I am, of course. Further vexing me is that a local dunderhead, Gaston, keeps stalking me. He wants to marry me! I’m only a sixth year at Hogwarts! If I had my wand here, I’d “Stupefy!” him. I may have to punch him in the face. Remember when I smacked Draco? Ha Ha!
Yours testily, Hermione
How I wish I had my wand! I have been imprisoned in a castle by a Beast! Long story, short: Papa trespassed upon the shaggy brute’s property and when he picked a rose (for me), he received the most draconian sentence– life imprisonment! I knew that my hapless muggle dad wouldn’t stand a chance in here, so I took his place. But please don’t imagine that it’s as bad as Azkaban. I have a fancy bed chamber– so much nicer than the dorm rooms at Gryffindor. My buffalo-faced captor allows me to roam the castle with certain provisos. Thankfully I have become friends with the bewitched household items. And the dinners are divine! The maitre d’ candlestick recommended that I, “Try the grey stuff, it’s delicious.” It was! Nonetheless, I have had it with the fascist rage-oholic “Beast” and his unconscionable violation of wizard law and the Geneva Coventions. I will watch for a passing owl to deliver this urgent letter. Send my wand to : Beast Castle, France; c/o Chip the Teacup … And I shall rescue myself.
Yours hastily, Hermione
The most amazing thing has happened…I am in love. Mon amour is brave, intelligent and actually, quite caring. You will no doubt be surprised when I tell you that this most valiant creature is Beast. I know, I know! You must be thinking that I have Stockholm Syndrome. But I can assure you that I am too clever for that. Beast has really exhibited the most thrilling personal growth and I quite enjoy our time together. The way his blue eyes shine and his fanged teeth gleam when he mirthfully laughs during our walks about the snowy palace grounds. I’m so embarrassed that I ever entertained the thought that I might have feelings for Ron. Ron?! Now I can’t stop laughing. We have nothing in common. And his intellect — or lack thereof– I’m surprised that he can even spell his own name. Well, I’m off to meet Beast at the
library. We’re reading Twilight aloud together. It’s about a love triangle involving a muggle teen, a vampire and a werewolf. We giggle at the hackneyed prose. Beast asked me if I was Team Edward (the vampire) or Team Jacob (the werewolf). “Team Beast,” I whispered. Then he smiled and when he took my hand, I didn’t shudder at his paw. I guess there’s something there, that wasn’t there before. Like before, when he said I wouldn’t eat at all if I didn’t dine with him.
Joyfully yours, Hermione
Can my father do nothing right?! Apparently the first thing he did when he got back to town was to start raving to the local cretins about the “horrible beast” in the castle yonder. And that bastard, Gaston! His inflated ego couldn’t take my rejection, so now he aims to kill the manly beast whom I love. Full of vindictiveness, he’s leading the imbecilic mobs, armed with clubs and pitchforks, to the castle. I need urgent assistance. Please inform Dumbledore and Prof. McGonagall of my plight. Let them know that the castle is near Ville des Imbeciles, France. I must race back to the castle. Although my woolly heart’s desire is nearly ten feet tall and one tonne, he is but one against many.
Yours frenziedly, Hermione
Ignore my last post! I’m pleased to report that the brave household items and furniture burned, stabbed and crushed the mob into submission. I hope that Hogwart’s never sees such a battle. And me without my wand! I was reduced to clambering about the castle roof, hollering to beast to Lookout! as Gaston fired at him like it was the Wild F*&%ing West! I never thought that I could hate anyone as much as Voldemort but I do. Or did. Gaston fell to his death. Good riddance! On a lighter note: Beast, though grievously wounded, was magically healed by my love. Beast and the household staff became human again and we had a ball. I once thought that the Yule Ball was grand (please don’t remind me that I went with the embarrassingly dull Viktor Krum, lol) but my boo’s ballroom makes the Hogwart’s facility look like a dilapidated warehouse. Harry, I can’t wait for you to meet my beloved Beast. Maybe dinner and butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade?
PS We’ll be easy to spot together because although my prince is in his human form now, I will probably change him back to his adorable beastly form.
Cut to the Chase: Charming: a good companion piece to Disney’s brilliant animated film. Emma Watson and Dan Stevens work well together as the title characters.
Comedy Highlight: Josh Gad as Lefou.
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