You Hurt My Feelings
Synopsis: Writer and her husband have a downswing in their relationship — but it’s funny too. (Streaming on Amazon Prime as of October 2023)
Is it okay to lie? According to one preacher giving a sermon at a scavenger hunt you will go to hell if you lie. Let me back up a bit…a much-loved family member went to a scavenger hunt. It was sponsored by a church. During a break in searching for bits & bobs, scavengers were treated to refreshments. Said church’s preacher commenced a “pep talk” aka sermon, wherein he informed the captive audience that a sin is a sin– lying is as bad as murdering. Sure, and a crime is a crime. Jaywalkers and killers should be put away for life. Saner minds rule in…
Nicole Holofcener’s latest is You Hurt My Feelings starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. The movie explores honesty and devotion in a relationship. Can a lie to protect someone’s feelings be big enough that it shakes the foundation of a relationship?
JLD is Beth, a writer whose calling card is her memoir in which she reflects on her life, including her late father’s verbal abuse. She has concluded her most recent book, a work of fiction. Her agent tells her she should re-work it; write more of what book sales indicate audiences are looking for. Oof…
Beth’s identity isn’t all about her work. She is happily engaged with her family and volunteer work. Her son, Eliot (Owen Teague) is a stereotypical, but not unlikely creation, of two cerebral, upper middle class New York City parents. In other words, the twenty-something guy is insufferable. Okay, not that bad. He’s well-meaning and a navel-gazer.
Eliot is working on his first novel, which his mom wants to read. For the time being, he works at a cannabis shop. Beth visits him at the weedery where a colleague lets her know that she could help her with a treatment of Beth’s upcoming book. After all, she informs Beth, she is an executive producer. Not just a producer, mind you. Apparently, the run-of-the mill producers work at coffee shops, while people further along in their careers work at weed shops.
Don (Tobias Menzie) is Beth’s husband. He’s a therapist who finds his mind wandering during sessions. He’s been thinking about aging; his eye wrinkles are bothering him. (My unasked-for advice? This is NY, not LA, don’t bother w/ cosmetic surgery.)
With one client, Don suggests that the woman’s poor relationship with her father may be influencing a new relationship. Puzzled, she says, “My dad and I get along great. You must be thinking of someone else.” He is. Way to go, Don.
When Beth isn’t busy teaching a writing class of college students who aren’t even aware that she wrote a modestly successful memoir, she tools around Manhattan with her sister, Sarah (Michaela Watkins). Sarah is an interior designer who is getting sick of looking for cashmere wallpaper and modernistic wall ornaments for her demanding clientele. Her husband, Mark (Arian Moayed), is an out-of-work actor. Sarah tries to boost his shrinking ego with soft words and even softer socks. (He’s a sockophile.) Then…
In a wince-inducing scene, Beth overhears her husband talking about her new book. Her smile turns into an O of shock on her mouth. Don said that he doesn’t like her book. Her book!
Okay, maybe you don’t like your partner’s way of making a sandwich. No harm done, let them make their own. But her career?! She’s already having doubts about her talent after her mother, Georgia (Jeannie Berlin) repeatedly tells Beth that her memoir “should’ve done better.” “Maybe,” Beth fumes, “it would’ve done better if dad was physically abusive, instead of ‘just’ verbally abusive.”
Beth kvetches to her sister, Sarah, while nibbling a plate-sized cookie. Should she tell Don that she overheard his take-down of her book? She laments to Sarah that his poor review is bad enough, but he had read the drafts and praised her work. What else has he lied about? Sarah tells Beth that she has ‘had’ to lie to husband Mark about liking some of his performances. I agree that she had to; Mark is a real sad sack. He mopes around the apartment each day until Sarah comes home with supportive words that sometimes contain falsehoods.
Meanwhile Don is soldiering through his sessions with clients, one of whom mutters insults as they sign off from their online sessions. In one case, someone asks for a refund since “the therapy isn’t working” for their marriage. But…
Late in the movie, talking with Beth, Don touches upon the potential conflicts between 100% honesty and, well… keeping a loved one’s mood elevated enough to do their best. He makes a pretty good case about how voicing your belief in someone can help them to believe in themself.
On another, more pedestrian level, writer-director Holofcener seems to be saying that white lies are okay. So, no, lying about an affair to “spare” your partner’s feelings is not okay. But lying about liking the present they gave you? Keep doing it!
P.S. Look for Mike “White Lotus” White’s cameo as a stage actor.
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